Two steps forward, but only one step back

Today was a new day. In fact, last night was a new night. After I went on my rant, things immediately simmered down. Anyone who read that post could easily tell that I'm going through what I'd call a tumultuous time, but then again, part of me has to look at it for what it is: a real first-world problem.

That's not to take away from what it is (in my own reality). Things have been tough, but at the end of the day, things have been pretty good. I think I'm in a search for perfection that I just may not ever really find (although I do think I can get a whole lot closer). My kids are great. Today, coming in rejuvenated after a long, reflective night, there was a noticeable difference in their work ethic. I decided that I would come in a lot harder on them than I did last year's class, but please understand "coming in harder" is nothing like the days of old. I've never yelled at a class here at AISC. I've never really been "mad" before at a kid here either. Nothing they do can even begin to compare to some of the dysfunctional behaviors that I dealt with in the past. These kids are good. That said, it's still only the third week, and I have had to take a few kids aside and give them "the talk." Two of them have had to have two of "the talks," but you can tell that they're just immature or lack self-control; it's definitely not a disrespect or defiance thing. Anyway, back to the subject at hand...things are looking up a bit.

I've had a couple of crappy lessons that kind of taint the day, but for me, I've found that it's helpful to look at it like a "water off a duck's back" kind of thing. Adding to the emotion of the whole situation is having someone observing you when things just aren't going well. It takes me back to my first couple of years in the teaching internship program. That, in itself, makes you feel a bit like a rookie. I mean, how many of you who are working full-time could even imagine having someone watching you fail or succeed on a daily basis? There's never a break from my not only my own self-critique, but the real or imagined criticism adds a whole different layer. I think Courtney still enjoys herself. She certainly has begun making some real positive additions to our classroom, specifically, she has learned how to "scaffold" (support) our level one English speakers. It's been fun to watch. She's young, energetic, and enthusiastic, and honestly, with these kids, she has a WAY better relationship with them than I do.

I've begun to step into my primary role more these days, which is one of the "classroom teacher." This seems obvious, but in fact is quite different from what you might think. In truth, we have two teachers for a reason. I am the "content specialist." It is my job to plan the content (the "big picture") and to plan activities and assessments accordingly. Megha, my co-teacher is the "ELD Teacher," which means it's her job to support the English-Language Learners (ELLs) throughout the lessons. Sounds great, but the reality is that she's only in there for two of the five periods a day. She's with me during Reading and Writing, but not for Math, Science, or Social Studies. This certainly makes things complicated because in addition to being the "content specialist," when she's not there, now I have to assume her position.  What I've come to realize now more than ever is that despite my own experience being a second-language student (albeit one in my 30s), this is a far different role than what I'm used to. Whereas in CA I felt that my Spanish capabilities made me somewhat qualified to teach language (that language being solely Spanish), I realize now that I'm still very much the learner when it comes to teaching kids who speak Japanese, Korean, German, or French the language of instruction: English. So, the newest and most challenging aspect of my position, is how to do both to the best of my abilities. Teaching content has never been an issue for me. If you're in a classroom of kids who speak English proficiently, the content is not so much the issue. Sure, when you have 32 kids, it can be a monumental challenge, but my kids are all well-fed, well-cared for, not subject to any sort of abuse, have stable home lives (but might miss their dads a lot), and, for the most part, highly intelligent (gotta love those genetics). Now, the game has changed. Sure, I can get up there and guide kids through how to write a personal narrative, but when you've got a few kids who don't know what the HELL you're saying, you can see that I have a new, and HUGE, task ahead of me.

And so it goes, the challenges persist. Like I said, today was a better day, but there's still plenty of work to be done. I feel like this is my new schedule: work, come home and reflect (blog) and then get to planning to make each and every day better than the day before. Maybe I'm on to something...

BK

What the hell?!

Probably what a lot of you were thinking this morning, huh? How could someone so obsessive with all things Facebook just give it up cold turkey and walk away like it was nothing? Well, I guess the idea hit me somewhere during my little "epiphany" while stuck in traffic for the one day I came back to Chennai before taking back off on my little Asian excursion. It was in that moment that several things occurred to me: 1. I needed to give up the PH (at least during the weekdays) 2. I needed to begin avoiding traffic as much as possible, as it seems there is NOTHING on Earth that annoys me more. 3. I needed to get back into some healthy living (a funny thought to have right before you take off for an additional two weeks of gluttony on top of the previous five). And finally, #5. I needed to give up Facebook. At the time, my reasoning was just that I was spending too much time on it, but also, there was a part of me that knew that this year would be different than last, particularly with a student teacher. I'll come back to that thought in a while...

This past weekend, after only eight days back at school, I decided to try and throw together a little "guys' trip" to Bangalore. I only managed to sign up two: Ethan (I knew I could count on him) and another guy, Rob (who's married with a kid and teaches 6th grade humanities). Bangalore, was as imagined, full of poolside Hyatt lounging, day drinking, and visits to the local microbreweries for craft beer and fried food. It was just what I wanted (note: NOT what I needed). While the weekend was a good one, and I had fun, I came back feeling gross. I was hangover free both mornings (surprising that that was the case on Saturday AM at least), so the only thing that was really making me feel bad was the mental space I was in. I regretted all the food and beer as I felt incredibly bloated, but just as much, I regretted my choice to go away when my time could have been used so much more wisely by sticking around. As was the case, I came back late afternoon yesterday, and despite vowing to hit the school and get some lesson planning done, it didn't happen (when you wake up from fainting, you can continue reading).

So, I woke up this morning and, of course, did my usual routine of letting my snooze have one more go around while I checked in on my online life: FB, Gmail accounts, and the top stories. But something was different today. Despite previous challenges to myself to give up the FB, today, it took little more than reading a few stories to do me in. I just couldn't handle it. Where I would normally be happy to hear of various friends' celebrations, accomplishments, etc., it just made me feel a little bitter. I told myself then and there that I was going to quit FB. I'm sure you've all read stories that talk about this phenomenon: when you're feeling shitty, one of the worst things you can do is read FB. Well, I guess I've always known that there's a lot of truth to it, but today, it was just so in-my-face.

I went ahead with my run (and I was rather proud, as I couldn't have imagined how I would have felt today not doing that), and as I jogged along, I began to feel better and better about my decision. When I got home, I wrote the message, deleted the app, and instantly felt really good about my decision. As I drove to school, I got some of the "Goodbye...we'll miss you!" emails through my notifications, and as I read each one, it made me a little sad, but in another way, it almost felt like closure. Throughout the day, my mind would tell me, "Just log in and see how many likes you have!" Or better, "You should probably go into your notifications and just click to make the little red number go away," but I refrained from doing so. Hell, I didn't even bother to go back in and attempt to deactivate it. I just walked away from it. And still now, I have to say, it feels really good. I just don't need it in my life right now.

So what changed? Well, to be perfectly frank, my ego just can't take it right now. I'm not in the most positive space, therefore, the last thing I need to read about is all of the "happy" things going on in people's lives. I just need to be real right now, with myself, and with those around me. I need to be selfish. I need to focus on my own well-being (physically, mentally and spiritually), as that is a full-time job. So sorry, I just can't bother myself with people's celebrations, trips, or drama.

The truth is, while this year has brought with it considerably less stress (simply because I'm a "second year teacher), lately I'm actually more stressed out as a result of the expectations I've begun placing on myself. Last year, I was allowed to be in "survival mode" and to play dumb whenever I needed to. Everything was just so new to me, so it was only natural that I was completely overwhelmed, and even forgiven for when I felt that way. I often got by on the bare minimum, and at work, I'd say that I certainly wasn't having to give it 100% because hey, "I'm new here."

Last year, when I was approached by our Director of Teaching and Learning to take on a student teacher, I knew it was something I had to do. You'd be forgiven for thinking to yourself, "He just wanted someone else to do all the work!" but if you did, you'd be wrong. Sure, a student teacher does take on part of the job description, but it's certainly not as if I can just go hang out in the staff lounge and drink coffee while she teaches (she's actually only really observed and worked with small groups so far). Additionally, I spend a majority of my prep time conferencing with her as well, so I get much less done during this time (not that I was really using it productively last year). In the back of my mind, I knew that if I took on a student teacher, I'd have to "step up my game" in a major way. That meant no more "winging it," far fewer bullshit sessions with my class to kill time, and, of course, a requirement that I would need to put a lot more time and thought into everything I was doing. After all, she's not spending thousands of dollars to come over and watch me run my Mr. Ben Comedy Club, and furthermore, neither are these parents.

To top it off, I work with a young teacher from New York who appears very much to be at the top of her game. Her lessons are SOLID. She always has fun, engaging activities, lessons, and projects going on and to be real honest once again, I just don't feel like I can keep up with her. It's been a tough pill to swallow watching a fourth year teacher seemingly run circles around other teachers and me at the school. I can, of course, sit back and say to myself that she's younger, more energetic, fresher out of college and therefore more current on teaching strategies/methodologies, but in the end, those are all just excuses. I need to get my shit together for the kids, my student teacher, and as importantly as anyone else, for me.

For years, I was told that I was such a great teacher at TCK, but as I've said before, looking back, I wasn't a teacher. I was a talker. Yes, I was part life-coach, mediator, disciplinarian, father figure, social worker, etc., but in a place like this, I don't need to be a lot of those things. Here, I need to be a facilitator. I need to be a guide, a role model, and of course, there's always room in the day for me to make kids laugh, have fun, and feel good about themselves. But the best way for me to be able to do those things is to learn to reinvent myself as an educator, someone who helps kids develop a love of learning, someone who allows kids to take risks, someone who facilitates learning opportunities so that kids can become true learners, self-sufficient thinkers, and above all else, someone who empowers them to be their best. I know that all sounds corny as hell, but it's my new mission.

Right now, I'm feeling crappy about the job I've been doing, and I'm feeling a little fragile. It's almost like everything I've ever known about myself as "Ben the teacher" has blown up in my face. While it feels more than a little devastating, I'm happy for the opportunity that I have to recognize this now, rather than the very real possibility that I could've spent my whole life doing what I always did and thinking my shit didn't stink. Yes, I'm being incredibly tough on myself and yes, I'm causing myself sleepless nights, but every day, I'm taking baby steps in the right direction, and by the end of the year, I'll know that I've grown more here professionally than I ever have in my life. And, I'll be proud to know that I did it all on my own.  It's like the old, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" adage. Some days it's feeling like I'm dying a little, but I'm also aware enough that every day, I'm getting a little bit better. With every new learning activity I plan, every new game I make up or help kids make up to reinforce their learning, every lesson I help scaffold to support one of my few students who, although they speak NO English right now, are desperate to grasp the language, I will become more and more of a true "teacher"(and not in the conventional sense I've always known).

So there you have it. A really long explanation for a decision that seemingly took only seconds. And please don't try to respond telling me you feel bad for me, that I'm being too hard on myself, or that I'm an "amazing teacher" (you can't anyways because I disabled the comments!!). I'm fully aware of the difference I was able to make in hundreds of kids' lives back in Stockton, and I'll always be grateful for the experiences I had there. However, my coming to India, as it turns out, is ending up being about far more than the amazing vacations I've been able to have. It's showing itself to be a once-in-a-lifetime, professionally (and probably personally too) transformational opportunity. Despite all the stress and negative feelings, I'll persevere and be better for it in the end. And being better is a must if I want to land my next job in Istanbul. Or Tokyo. Or Prague. Or Berlin. Or Rio. Or....well, you get the picture.  :)

I'll update you soon with regard to my progress. Thanks for reading, and if you're so inclined, you can always send me some good thoughts/positive energy! It's a long way, but I know they'll get here.

Much love,

Ben

I couldn't be more annoyed right now…

Seriously, I couldn't. Today was one of those days where it seemed like nothing went right. Even right now for example. I left my stupid charger for the computer in the classroom, which is a pretty frequent occurrence, but the fact that had to happen today of all days is really just icing on the cake. So tonight, I'm trying something I've never done, which is to complete this blog entry by using voice to text on my iPad. Let's see how this works…

So yeah, I'm super annoyed. I've come to the realization that I really hate Chennai. Oh wait, have I said that before? I really do. Fortunately, most of my time spent in this horrible place is in my classroom at school. I'm still absolutely crazy about my class, and they are the main source of joy in my life. When I'm not the classroom, I very much enjoy getting out, wandering the halls, and eating lunch in the cafeteria with my awesome colleagues. We always have great conversations and they're so much fun to talk to. A lot of us right now are feeling the funk. There's a graph that I was looking at the other night that talks about the stages new teachers go through. While I'm not a new teacher, I am new to the school, so it is relevant. Right now, we're all in the "disillusionment stage." I think I don't feel it quite as much as some other people, particularly those who just returned from the United States. However, I'm definitely in it. It's not like I'm so miserable that I want to jump on a plane and go home. I think there are a lot of really good aspects of living where I am, but part of the problem is that we all know we have a three month stretch before we're off on break, so this is very much going to be a long haul.

There are really too many things to list that annoy me, however, I can easily say that the nightmare traffic situation tops the list. Tonight's was horrendous. I left school at about 3 o'clock to head over to the Park Hyatt. When I got there, I wasn't sure exactly what I was going to do for my workout because most of my body is still pretty sore from Tuesday. Following my usual routine, when I got there and was changing I stepped on the scale to get my pre-workout weight. I was delighted to find out that I was in the zone where I could possibly be breaking the 200 pound mark for the first time since 2000. So, I went into the private workout room and kick my own ass for the next 40 minutes. I did 10 rounds of 25 sit ups and 100 jump ropes. I worked out to the point that I couldn't do anymore. I also hung in there until I had to go pee, thinking that every extra little bit would help for the final, post work out weigh in. I was so excited to get on the scale, but as soon as I did, I realized that it wasn't working. At this point, my OCD kicked in and I spent the next 10 minutes taking the batteries out and replacing them trying to get it to work. All of this while standing in the disposable white undergarment they provide. Yeah, I look like a douche bag, but I didn't care. This was going to be my moment of glory. But alas, it never happened. Realizing that I was probably making a foolish decision by asking Babu to take me to the Phoenix Mall, I threw caution to the wind and we braved the masses so that I can go find my own digital scale.

Now, the mall has two home goods stores, so the idea of finding a digital scale didn't seem like an impossible task. Then I remembered that I live in India. I went into the first, and I asked one of the workers. We had our usual 30 second interaction of confusion and some pantomiming, on my part of course. Did they have a scale? No, of course they didn't. Why would a home goods store have a thing like a digital scale? That would make way too much sense. I headed over to the second store, which basically has the same stuff but is a different company, and asked the same stupid question. I got the same response. Now I'm really irritated. Where the hell does one go to buy a goddamn scale? Next, I decided to go down into the basement of the store to a place called Big Bizarre which has pretty much everything under the sun. I liken it to an Indian Walmart. As I approached the store, I did the end thinkable and tried to enter through the exit since nobody was there. I was stopped by this idiot of a security guard and told to go around to the entrance. That definitely turned up the annoyance level a few more notches. And, of course they didn't have a scale either. Walking out, I passed the pharmacy and went in and ask them if they knew where I might be able to find one. Low and behold, they had two in stock. Now mind you, these two scales had probably been sitting in the store since they opened, but I didn't care. I went to pay for, and my card was declined. I told him there was no way my card should've been declined because I use it all the time all around India. He told me there was a problem with machine and asked me for another card. I gave him a second card, and once again it didn't work. He asked me if I had cash, and of course I was Rs.150 short. So, I decided to all for the cheaper of the two, and when I opened it, you could tell it had been used. At that point, I didn't care. I just wanted the stupid scale in my hands so that I can go home and get away from all the madness. Little did I know that my trip home would be a trip through hell. 

Basically, from the moment we exited the mall, I knew it would be bad. As Babu tried to merge into the traffic lane, literally about 30 scooters cut us off and came within inches of my front fender. From there, it was over one hour of bumper-to-bumper ridiculousness. You literally have to see it to believe it, but even if you did see it, you still wouldn't believe it. It is just beyond anything you could imagine in your wildest dreams. It's as my friend Andrew said the other day. There really aren't any rules in India, just suggestions. It's not uncommon to see things like cars coming the wrong way down the street, right through the middle, completely oblivious to the fact that they're screwing up the entire traffic situation and making everything 10 times worse. They frankly just don't give a damn. In India, it's all about survival. Very little respect… Wait, no, zero respect is given to other drivers. People are all about getting to where they need to go, and there is just no regard for anybody else but themselves. Not to mention the fact that the hunky and is incessant. If I were to count the number of horns I heard tonight, I bet it would be at least several hundred. Then, added the accelerating and braking that occurs when you're being cut off constantly, then throw in a bunch of potholes, some traffic lights that don't really work and a traffic officer who's making things harder than they need to be. Oh, and how could I forget? Throwing the whole gaggle of pedestrians that like to play Frogger on any given street at any given time. It seriously makes something like the 405 in LA look like cruising down Beverly Hills Blvd.

I finally got home, and I was excited to eat. Being on Paleo IS a challenge, as most people would probably understand. I had had numerous conversations with Selena this past week about things she could and couldn't use when preparing my food. Earlier this week, I actually went into the cabinets and took out everything that I didn't want her to use and put it into a plastic bag and set it on the table for her to take home. Then, she apparently went on some sort of shopping spree at the beginning of the week and spent Rs.2500 (about $40) on groceries. I told her that was a ridiculous amount and she was to never do that again. I walk in the door and see receipts for another Rs.500, which is about another $10. On those receipts I see that she bought me some prawns, so I was feeling pretty excited. Then, on the next receipt, I see that she had decided to buy some breadcrumbs. I knew what she had done, and I know that she's not the brightest bulb on the tree, but I couldn't believe that after everything I had talked to her about, she go throw breadcrumbs on these perfectly edible shrimp. And wouldn't you know it? She did. I called her, quite agitated, and let her know my feelings about her decision-making today. In typical Indian fashion, she brushed it all off and was very nonchalant. At one point she said, "That's ok, no problem," to which I responded, "Um, yeah, that IS a problem." Of course, we never apologize, we just sit there on the phone and listen to the riot act being read to us. So, for the next five minutes I went through with my bare fingers and pick the breading off of all of the shrimp so I could eat something. Then, I come out to write my blog, and the stupid cord is in my bag. Perfect end to it totally crap afternoon. 

Now, notice I didn't say Day. Although my morning was pretty craptastic (I think I'm coming down with another cold ON TOP OF the chest cold that I can't seem to shake), my day with the kids was a highlight. But, just the kids. I think I've said in my earlier blogs that I have a co-teacher, and for the most part, we get along really well. But today, she annoyed the shit out of me. Every day, we're supposed to get two 45 minute prep periods. However, I had to meet with her or my team for every single one of these. Because it's the start of a news semester, we're basically starting new units and almost every subject. So, there's a tremendous amount of planning. Wouldn't you know that today would be the perfect storm. On a day where I'm feeling exceptionally shitty, she is almost manic. She proceeded to do the thing that probably is my number one pet peeve, which is to attempt to boss me around. I was pretty much just ignoring her, but she wasn't getting it. At one point she asked me why I wasn't talking during our meeting. Not wanting to cause a bunch of drama, I just use the excuse that I wasn't feeling real well… which was pretty much true. Not to mention the fact that today was my sixth day on Paleo. Prior to today, I had been feeling like $1 million, but I've also been having problems sleeping lately. I guess after the third or fourth night of waking up at 4 o'clock in the morning, anybody would get agitated. So when you combine bossiness, excessive meetings, a cold, and angry body, and sleep deprivation, you've got it awful mixture. Luckily, the kids were being really funny today and I was able to push through the rest of the day. On a sidenote, I told the kids at the beginning of this week that I wanted them to take turns doing presentations at the end of the day to teach us more about themselves. I explained that the presentations could be pretty much about anything that they wanted to talk about or that interests them. Being the number one teacher that I am, I told them that I would be the first to present. Because our school is so in inquiry-based and technology focused and workshop oriented, it's rare for me to get up in front of the class and actually directly teach them about a top. Actually, it's extremely rare. So, the past two nights, I had put in about four hours on a Google presentation that was 80 slides long. Not each slide was full of information. There were some slides with animated GIFs files and a few other slides that just had a sentence or two or maybe just a picture. But, it really was 80 slides, and it took me a long time! Although the title of the presentation was "Setting Goals," in it, I began with early man, moved into ancient civilizations, discussed the advent of irrigation and agriculture and how the Paleolithic times came to an end once that happened. After that I talked about the Paleo diet, I showed a video on CrossFit, and finally I ended with a description of what a "Paleo Challenge" entails. I talked about setting goals, making a plan, and motivation a lot. I also showed the kids an infamous picture I had taken at an Oakland A's game with my friend Riina a number of years ago. They were shocked! Although I don't think we realized it at the time, we were both quite portly. 

I talked to the kids about how when I was young, I was athletic and skinny, but after graduating from college I was 200 pounds. From there, I had gotten up as high as 250 pounds before meeting my good friend Tina G, who encouraged me to run my first (and last) marathon. I lost 30 pounds in this process, but some of it managed to sneak back on. From there, I took them back to October 2012 when I decided to enter my first Paleo challenge at the CrossFit gym I was working out at. I showed them the before-and-after picture, which showed me standing there with 10 $20 bills. They really liked that (but not as much as the fat Mr. Ben pic)! In the end, my point was that I wanted them to always remember that being successful is all about setting and achieving goals in life. It was quite a fun presentation, if I do say so myself, and I won't let the fact that they didn't clap for me deter me from believing that it was so.

So that's about it. Frankly I'm getting a little tired of talking into this oversized iPhone, so I think I'll leave it at that. I could easily launch into a whole diatribe about all of the things that bother me about living here, but I feel like I've mentioned many of them before. And frankly, after I've had some time to relax and let things settle, I realize that my life here is really quite nice. Nothing is perfect, so I guess when you consider that so many aspects of my life here are so amazing, it's only natural that there would be some downfalls. For now, I'm going to continue focusing on my fitness and get into the best shape of my life, because frankly, what the hell else do I have to do? You know, I have a little over 2 1/2 months until it's Spring Break. I'll go away for that week, I'll come back and bear the heat, and then I'll look forward to coming back home see all my friends and family at the end of May. I'll then go on to enjoy the hell out of June back at home, eating Adalberto's as much as humanly possible, and will look forward to hopefully throwing a little birthday bash at Bridgeport mid-month. After that, I'll head back to Minnesota for a week to spend time with my sister and her family as well as my dad and his, and following that, come back to drop off my supplies and jump right back on a plane and head to SE Asia to go explore Vietnam, Cambodia, and hopefully a little bit more of Thailand. I'll get back after that little tour, get started on my new teaching assignment, (maybe in second grade?) and in the back of my mind will start mentally preparing for the next job fair that happens in January 2015. In fact, the school asks you in September if you'll be returning, so in actuality I will probably already be making preparations for the next change of venue. I have decided that I'm willing to work at a second rate school in exchange for a first rate location in my next go-around, however, I'm pretty sure that the kick ass cities also have kick ass schools, so that shouldn't be a problem. 

Living in India, you're constantly reminded to live in the moment. It's just what people do here. They don't seem to have any worries about the past or the future, which is quite admirable. For me, I try to live by this creed as much as possible, but the reality is that some days, the only thing that can get me through and help me keep my sanity is the promise of a new location (as well as the idea of leaving the city of Chennai behind). I'm sure that when it does come time to leave, it'll be harder than I would've ever imagined. I'll definitely miss my colleagues, the school, and most importantly, the kids. But in their case, they never stick around more than about three years, so missing them is really kind of irrelevant. We're all kind of living this temporary, nomadic lifestyle, and that's just part of the game. 

So there you have it. I'm sorry that I was kind of a Debbie Downer in this blog, but I think it's important to keep it real. The beauty about writing a blog that only my friends and family can see is that I can be totally honest. I don't have to put up any false pretenses to try to impress any of the people I'm working with, many of whom likely feel the exact same way, and that's nice. And for anybody who's worried about me, please don't be I am surrounded by wonderful new friends here that I can talk to any time about pretty much anything, but the blog is just a nice place to vent sometimes. Things will pick up like they always do. Being down is almost always followed by an upsurge, which should conveniently be right about the time that my friends and I are leaving on the plane to Sri Lanka for our Spring Break! 

And sorry for any typos. It's totally uncharacteristic of me to not go back through and proofread, but I'm done!!

Ben