Two steps forward, but only one step back

Today was a new day. In fact, last night was a new night. After I went on my rant, things immediately simmered down. Anyone who read that post could easily tell that I'm going through what I'd call a tumultuous time, but then again, part of me has to look at it for what it is: a real first-world problem.

That's not to take away from what it is (in my own reality). Things have been tough, but at the end of the day, things have been pretty good. I think I'm in a search for perfection that I just may not ever really find (although I do think I can get a whole lot closer). My kids are great. Today, coming in rejuvenated after a long, reflective night, there was a noticeable difference in their work ethic. I decided that I would come in a lot harder on them than I did last year's class, but please understand "coming in harder" is nothing like the days of old. I've never yelled at a class here at AISC. I've never really been "mad" before at a kid here either. Nothing they do can even begin to compare to some of the dysfunctional behaviors that I dealt with in the past. These kids are good. That said, it's still only the third week, and I have had to take a few kids aside and give them "the talk." Two of them have had to have two of "the talks," but you can tell that they're just immature or lack self-control; it's definitely not a disrespect or defiance thing. Anyway, back to the subject at hand...things are looking up a bit.

I've had a couple of crappy lessons that kind of taint the day, but for me, I've found that it's helpful to look at it like a "water off a duck's back" kind of thing. Adding to the emotion of the whole situation is having someone observing you when things just aren't going well. It takes me back to my first couple of years in the teaching internship program. That, in itself, makes you feel a bit like a rookie. I mean, how many of you who are working full-time could even imagine having someone watching you fail or succeed on a daily basis? There's never a break from my not only my own self-critique, but the real or imagined criticism adds a whole different layer. I think Courtney still enjoys herself. She certainly has begun making some real positive additions to our classroom, specifically, she has learned how to "scaffold" (support) our level one English speakers. It's been fun to watch. She's young, energetic, and enthusiastic, and honestly, with these kids, she has a WAY better relationship with them than I do.

I've begun to step into my primary role more these days, which is one of the "classroom teacher." This seems obvious, but in fact is quite different from what you might think. In truth, we have two teachers for a reason. I am the "content specialist." It is my job to plan the content (the "big picture") and to plan activities and assessments accordingly. Megha, my co-teacher is the "ELD Teacher," which means it's her job to support the English-Language Learners (ELLs) throughout the lessons. Sounds great, but the reality is that she's only in there for two of the five periods a day. She's with me during Reading and Writing, but not for Math, Science, or Social Studies. This certainly makes things complicated because in addition to being the "content specialist," when she's not there, now I have to assume her position.  What I've come to realize now more than ever is that despite my own experience being a second-language student (albeit one in my 30s), this is a far different role than what I'm used to. Whereas in CA I felt that my Spanish capabilities made me somewhat qualified to teach language (that language being solely Spanish), I realize now that I'm still very much the learner when it comes to teaching kids who speak Japanese, Korean, German, or French the language of instruction: English. So, the newest and most challenging aspect of my position, is how to do both to the best of my abilities. Teaching content has never been an issue for me. If you're in a classroom of kids who speak English proficiently, the content is not so much the issue. Sure, when you have 32 kids, it can be a monumental challenge, but my kids are all well-fed, well-cared for, not subject to any sort of abuse, have stable home lives (but might miss their dads a lot), and, for the most part, highly intelligent (gotta love those genetics). Now, the game has changed. Sure, I can get up there and guide kids through how to write a personal narrative, but when you've got a few kids who don't know what the HELL you're saying, you can see that I have a new, and HUGE, task ahead of me.

And so it goes, the challenges persist. Like I said, today was a better day, but there's still plenty of work to be done. I feel like this is my new schedule: work, come home and reflect (blog) and then get to planning to make each and every day better than the day before. Maybe I'm on to something...

BK

What the hell?!

Probably what a lot of you were thinking this morning, huh? How could someone so obsessive with all things Facebook just give it up cold turkey and walk away like it was nothing? Well, I guess the idea hit me somewhere during my little "epiphany" while stuck in traffic for the one day I came back to Chennai before taking back off on my little Asian excursion. It was in that moment that several things occurred to me: 1. I needed to give up the PH (at least during the weekdays) 2. I needed to begin avoiding traffic as much as possible, as it seems there is NOTHING on Earth that annoys me more. 3. I needed to get back into some healthy living (a funny thought to have right before you take off for an additional two weeks of gluttony on top of the previous five). And finally, #5. I needed to give up Facebook. At the time, my reasoning was just that I was spending too much time on it, but also, there was a part of me that knew that this year would be different than last, particularly with a student teacher. I'll come back to that thought in a while...

This past weekend, after only eight days back at school, I decided to try and throw together a little "guys' trip" to Bangalore. I only managed to sign up two: Ethan (I knew I could count on him) and another guy, Rob (who's married with a kid and teaches 6th grade humanities). Bangalore, was as imagined, full of poolside Hyatt lounging, day drinking, and visits to the local microbreweries for craft beer and fried food. It was just what I wanted (note: NOT what I needed). While the weekend was a good one, and I had fun, I came back feeling gross. I was hangover free both mornings (surprising that that was the case on Saturday AM at least), so the only thing that was really making me feel bad was the mental space I was in. I regretted all the food and beer as I felt incredibly bloated, but just as much, I regretted my choice to go away when my time could have been used so much more wisely by sticking around. As was the case, I came back late afternoon yesterday, and despite vowing to hit the school and get some lesson planning done, it didn't happen (when you wake up from fainting, you can continue reading).

So, I woke up this morning and, of course, did my usual routine of letting my snooze have one more go around while I checked in on my online life: FB, Gmail accounts, and the top stories. But something was different today. Despite previous challenges to myself to give up the FB, today, it took little more than reading a few stories to do me in. I just couldn't handle it. Where I would normally be happy to hear of various friends' celebrations, accomplishments, etc., it just made me feel a little bitter. I told myself then and there that I was going to quit FB. I'm sure you've all read stories that talk about this phenomenon: when you're feeling shitty, one of the worst things you can do is read FB. Well, I guess I've always known that there's a lot of truth to it, but today, it was just so in-my-face.

I went ahead with my run (and I was rather proud, as I couldn't have imagined how I would have felt today not doing that), and as I jogged along, I began to feel better and better about my decision. When I got home, I wrote the message, deleted the app, and instantly felt really good about my decision. As I drove to school, I got some of the "Goodbye...we'll miss you!" emails through my notifications, and as I read each one, it made me a little sad, but in another way, it almost felt like closure. Throughout the day, my mind would tell me, "Just log in and see how many likes you have!" Or better, "You should probably go into your notifications and just click to make the little red number go away," but I refrained from doing so. Hell, I didn't even bother to go back in and attempt to deactivate it. I just walked away from it. And still now, I have to say, it feels really good. I just don't need it in my life right now.

So what changed? Well, to be perfectly frank, my ego just can't take it right now. I'm not in the most positive space, therefore, the last thing I need to read about is all of the "happy" things going on in people's lives. I just need to be real right now, with myself, and with those around me. I need to be selfish. I need to focus on my own well-being (physically, mentally and spiritually), as that is a full-time job. So sorry, I just can't bother myself with people's celebrations, trips, or drama.

The truth is, while this year has brought with it considerably less stress (simply because I'm a "second year teacher), lately I'm actually more stressed out as a result of the expectations I've begun placing on myself. Last year, I was allowed to be in "survival mode" and to play dumb whenever I needed to. Everything was just so new to me, so it was only natural that I was completely overwhelmed, and even forgiven for when I felt that way. I often got by on the bare minimum, and at work, I'd say that I certainly wasn't having to give it 100% because hey, "I'm new here."

Last year, when I was approached by our Director of Teaching and Learning to take on a student teacher, I knew it was something I had to do. You'd be forgiven for thinking to yourself, "He just wanted someone else to do all the work!" but if you did, you'd be wrong. Sure, a student teacher does take on part of the job description, but it's certainly not as if I can just go hang out in the staff lounge and drink coffee while she teaches (she's actually only really observed and worked with small groups so far). Additionally, I spend a majority of my prep time conferencing with her as well, so I get much less done during this time (not that I was really using it productively last year). In the back of my mind, I knew that if I took on a student teacher, I'd have to "step up my game" in a major way. That meant no more "winging it," far fewer bullshit sessions with my class to kill time, and, of course, a requirement that I would need to put a lot more time and thought into everything I was doing. After all, she's not spending thousands of dollars to come over and watch me run my Mr. Ben Comedy Club, and furthermore, neither are these parents.

To top it off, I work with a young teacher from New York who appears very much to be at the top of her game. Her lessons are SOLID. She always has fun, engaging activities, lessons, and projects going on and to be real honest once again, I just don't feel like I can keep up with her. It's been a tough pill to swallow watching a fourth year teacher seemingly run circles around other teachers and me at the school. I can, of course, sit back and say to myself that she's younger, more energetic, fresher out of college and therefore more current on teaching strategies/methodologies, but in the end, those are all just excuses. I need to get my shit together for the kids, my student teacher, and as importantly as anyone else, for me.

For years, I was told that I was such a great teacher at TCK, but as I've said before, looking back, I wasn't a teacher. I was a talker. Yes, I was part life-coach, mediator, disciplinarian, father figure, social worker, etc., but in a place like this, I don't need to be a lot of those things. Here, I need to be a facilitator. I need to be a guide, a role model, and of course, there's always room in the day for me to make kids laugh, have fun, and feel good about themselves. But the best way for me to be able to do those things is to learn to reinvent myself as an educator, someone who helps kids develop a love of learning, someone who allows kids to take risks, someone who facilitates learning opportunities so that kids can become true learners, self-sufficient thinkers, and above all else, someone who empowers them to be their best. I know that all sounds corny as hell, but it's my new mission.

Right now, I'm feeling crappy about the job I've been doing, and I'm feeling a little fragile. It's almost like everything I've ever known about myself as "Ben the teacher" has blown up in my face. While it feels more than a little devastating, I'm happy for the opportunity that I have to recognize this now, rather than the very real possibility that I could've spent my whole life doing what I always did and thinking my shit didn't stink. Yes, I'm being incredibly tough on myself and yes, I'm causing myself sleepless nights, but every day, I'm taking baby steps in the right direction, and by the end of the year, I'll know that I've grown more here professionally than I ever have in my life. And, I'll be proud to know that I did it all on my own.  It's like the old, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" adage. Some days it's feeling like I'm dying a little, but I'm also aware enough that every day, I'm getting a little bit better. With every new learning activity I plan, every new game I make up or help kids make up to reinforce their learning, every lesson I help scaffold to support one of my few students who, although they speak NO English right now, are desperate to grasp the language, I will become more and more of a true "teacher"(and not in the conventional sense I've always known).

So there you have it. A really long explanation for a decision that seemingly took only seconds. And please don't try to respond telling me you feel bad for me, that I'm being too hard on myself, or that I'm an "amazing teacher" (you can't anyways because I disabled the comments!!). I'm fully aware of the difference I was able to make in hundreds of kids' lives back in Stockton, and I'll always be grateful for the experiences I had there. However, my coming to India, as it turns out, is ending up being about far more than the amazing vacations I've been able to have. It's showing itself to be a once-in-a-lifetime, professionally (and probably personally too) transformational opportunity. Despite all the stress and negative feelings, I'll persevere and be better for it in the end. And being better is a must if I want to land my next job in Istanbul. Or Tokyo. Or Prague. Or Berlin. Or Rio. Or....well, you get the picture.  :)

I'll update you soon with regard to my progress. Thanks for reading, and if you're so inclined, you can always send me some good thoughts/positive energy! It's a long way, but I know they'll get here.

Much love,

Ben