Wow, a month already?!

Last night, I was talking to my sister. Towards the end of the conversation, she asked if I was EVER going to blog again. I thought about it for a minute, and then finally came to the conclusion that I wasn't sure that anyone was even reading. Not that I'd blame them (it has been a really long time since I last did), but I think when you know you're writing to a limited audience, it's just not as motivating. However, my co-teacher isn't here at school today, so I don't have to meet with her on my prep time. Today's blog will harken back to my days in Colombia where I'd spend HOURS a week on my blog during my various prep periods. I don't plan on making this a new habit, but for now, it works.

It's crazy to me that it's been almost a month exactly since my last blog. When I got here, time seemed to stand still certain days, but this last month has flown by. It's funny because I knew once the calendar hit October that it would do that. It's the simple yin and yang; the first two months were at times brutally slow, so it just made sense that during October, things would pick up. This month, in a lot of ways, has been a blur. From the sheer amount of parties I've been to, to the countless (OK, just three) buffets, and the rapid-fire days spent with kids and meetings, things have just been really moving. And that's a good thing, just in case you're wondering. Things needed to pick up. Sometimes, you feel like the kid at science camp (hopefully most people get this reference) who has a blast during the day, but then falls apart at night when he/she returns to the bunk and has some quiet time to reflect. Now, I don't go into a panic and start slobbering all over the place like the kid tends to do, but there are some times where, if you let it, your mind will start to race a bit and you'll eventually begin the series of questions in your mind about whether this was the right move, the future, the relationships at home that are on pause, etc. Fortunately, I've never had a serious moment...just fleeting thoughts about such things as whether what I've chosen to do here is rational, if everyone's forgotten about me, and of course, where to go from here (yes, I do spend time thinking about my next job and where that will be).

I think I mentioned in a previous blog that it's normal for people to go through various, but distinct, stages of homesickness. I think if I did mention that, I probably also mentioned that I seem to be relatively immune to these stages. I still haven't had any breakdowns or episodes. As sad as it sounds, I think my best friend here is my iPhone. With it, I can keep in touch with people via texts (other iMessage works here) and FB, I can check the news (MSNBC and of course, KCRA), and overall, just feel totally connected. I've had a few nice chats with people back home (not as many as I'd like because the timing is all screwed up), and have even been able to do some FaceTiming (rad). Because of all this, I know that everyone is just a push of a button away, and that, for me, is like knowing that you have Xanax on hand in case you do freak out but never having to take it because you know you have it. The mind is a strange thing.

So, "What's new?" is the question on everyone's mind, and the answer to that is fairly simple..."Nothing and everything." I've settled into a fairly regular schedule (read: boring) during the week. The difference between here and last year is that last year, in order, I'd probably say that my favorite place to be would be 1) Home (preferably drinking red wine) 2) Work (but just on a good/administration free day) and 3) The gym. Here, things are different...resoundingly different. My favorite place, by far, is school. Although I have settled into some old routines (as far as teaching goes), the relationships I have with my colleagues and more so the kids, are what keep me going. I've also started helping with the school's swimming program on M/W/F (Fridays are lessons=hilarious), so that's been a ton of fun. Second to school is easily life at the PH (I've managed, despite the sometimes extremely gluttonous weekends) to keep my weight down at post-Paleo lows, and finally, the place I enjoy the least, my apartment (no booze, no snacks, and no television...and these are my own rules). My place is not fun, rather, it's somewhere to lay my head and store my clothes. The PH comes in really handy, because after I leave school at about 4:30 or so, it takes 30 minutes to get there, I stay for anywhere from one to two hours, and then it's back home. By the time I get home, I eat dinner, watch a few streaming episodes (almost finished with Mad Men!) and then go to sleep. When I wake up, I'm excited to get out the door and on my way to school. And that's an amazing change in my life.

Other than school, it's all about the weekends. I've resigned myself to the fact that my weekends are going to be pretty low-key, but just in the sense that I'll usually be sticking around. There really aren't a whole lot of places within a reasonable amount of time on the road that are worth visiting. Usually, this just means house parties, or maybe someday, going out to clubs/hotels. You may be surprised to know that I haven't really done this yet because frankly, on Fridays, we're usually too wiped out to go big. That, and it's a common day for staff functions. I guess a big part of all of this is my age, and I'm OK with that. I've made friends with so many fun new people here that honestly, I think it's just as fun (if not more) to hang out at their places. I work with some really fun/funny people, so it's been a blast getting to know them. In fact, last weekend, I was at a co-worker's 40th birthday party when suddenly, in the middle of happy birthday, I looked around and realized I had about just as many new friends/acquaintances surrounding me. That was a really great feeling. Although social circles are generally pretty tight, they're not exclusive, and all it takes is a quick conversation, email or text to make something happen. This is an area in which I'm still working/figuring things out. But the other realization I have is that unlike eight years ago in Medellin, I'm much more OK with being by myself here. And not to beat a dead horse here, but after my last year in Stockton, it's tough for me to feel more uncomfortable/miserable than I sometimes did. Uncomfortable working conditions, extremely challenging kids, and living at home in my old bedroom were not quite the highlights of my existence!

Last night, Kelly correctly guessed that my time here would be spent counting down days until the next vacation until I ultimately end my contract here and move on. Am I that predictable? Is it the countdown app that gave me away?! But seriously, she's absolutely right. While school is amazing, I'm also one for the vacations, and it's only natural for this brain of mine to refer to everything on a time sequence. Yes, I have four days until Thailand. Then I'm back for six weeks before being off for three. Then I come back for 12 more weeks, followed by Spring Break for one, and then finally back for the last eight weeks until summer vacation. From there, it's one month back in CA and the next month doing a SE Asia tour (hope to extensively visit Cambodia, Vietnam and Laos). Back to school August first, one month later they'll be asking me if I plan on extending my contract (I'll say "no thanks") and within a month, I'll begin the process of looking for my next gig. It won't be because I am unhappy in any way here; it'll be entirely because Chennai is such a crappy city. Seriously, it's unbelievably uninspiring, and the fact that it's virtually impossible to simply grab a drink with friends around the corner or take the subway or metro to another cool place in town makes it positively depressing. There are just much cooler places in the world where I'd rather live, but in taking this position, I knew I wouldn't love Chennai, probably wouldn't assimilate into the culture at all, and knew I'd be here only for a very finite amount of time. And, in case you're wondering, my next country choices of Spain, Germany, Brazil, Panama, Argentina, Chile or Thailand would all be quite nice, thank you very much.

Now, let's talk Thailand! Less than 96 hours from now, I will be in my dream-of-all-dreams destination. I've been wanting to go there for YEARS, but I've never had the balls to do it on my own. Also, learning Spanish was a huge goal of mine, so for that reason, I kept going back for learning's sake. Going so far away, solo, with no language skills was just too daunting, however, there were many times I almost pulled the trigger. But in the end, I always chickened out. Now, those days are behind me, because at 12:25 AM Saturday morning, not only will I be going to Bangkok, but I'll also be going with someone who's actually lived there! My buddy Ethan, who spent four years in Warsaw, followed by a year off teaching English in Thailand and then farting around in Chile for four months, will be going with. I'm really excited to not only be going with a travel partner, but also someone who knows the area well. My plan is to ask him one billion questions as I learn to navigate the city's ins and outs so that I can visit again in the future. Everyone I've talked to has nothing but incredible things to share about what it's like there, so naturally, I can't wait to go. I feel like this trip is somewhat of a dream come true. I'll definitely be taking lots of pictures and enjoying my time there to the fullest, so you'll all just have to wait until then to hear the details!!

Alright, I'm outta here. Hopefully this blog does a decent job of summarizing life here. It's certainly not as if my days are full of outrageous sights and activities. Like anything, the newness wears off gradually. Although I love the luxury my lifestyle affords me these days, it continues to be my goal to do something a little more meaningful with my time here. Perhaps some social welfare or community outreach will come along at some point, but it's as my friend Diane says (when I complain that I'm living too much of the expat lifestyle, "Just enjoy it because you may never be able to do this again." So with that said, I'll enjoy my last 30 minutes of the day with the kids sipping my free school coffee, tolerate the ride to the PH, love/hate my afternoon exercise, tolerate the ride home, and then relax as my friends George and Kaye (50-something Kiwis) and I have dinner and drink our illegally obtained wine. Life is good. :)

In the meantime, please feel free to comment (to let me know someone's reading this) or drop me a message (either through Gmail, iMessage, or FB). I'd love to hear from you!


Ben

Park Hyatt

In case you haven't read the news, I'm addicted to the Park Hyatt. I basically lived there this weekend, and I have to say, it was amazing. Saturday was a big day there for me, and it concluded with a "Grand Masters of Food and Wine" event that knocked our respective socks off. It was so incredible. I came home from there and drunk dialed Kelly who was at a soccer match. During our five minute conversation, a message was relayed to me, and it went something like this: "Mom says you only ever write about school on your blog and she's getting tired of reading about that topic. Find something else to blog about." Not so subtle, huh? In my own defense, I've got to say that school is pretty much my life. It's been such an emotional roller coaster that it's basically constantly on my mind. In the beginning, I was super stressed out, but now, things have settled down to the point where I'm at more of a refining stage. And it IS the reason I came over here and it IS where I spend a majority of my time., so yeah, I talk about it a lot. But I agree, and I could see how people would like some variety, so tonight, I'm going to talk about my second love, the Park Hyatt.

So like I said, Saturday was quite the day at the old PH. I picked up Holly at around 1:30 (after a huge miscommunication with my non-English-speaking driver, Babu who was supposed to be at my house at noon). To try and teach him a lesson, I jumped into the car and drove myself about a mile down the street to a very Americanized coffee shop for a mocha. That plan backfired, because since my car wasn't there when he did eventually arrive, he took off again and I ended up having to wait even longer for him! Bad idea. Anyway, we picked her up and headed off. On the way, however, we decided to take a detour and go check out the Grand Chola hotel, which is India's largest hotel. It's also supposedly seven stars (which I didn't even know was possible), but after walking around in it, I could see how it might be. It was opulent to the extreme, and we got the grand tour because we told them that we were considering having our wedding reception there. Although the lady didn't question it, I have to be honest when I look back and realize that our plan was probably totally unbelievable. I'd say the biggest issue was that she was wearing a hippy dress, and I was wearing short and Nikes. I don't think big ballers EVER dress like that. The best part was after the tour concluded and she asked us if we wanted to go talk prices. I wasn't really paying attention to what she was saying at that point, but Holly handled it by telling her that she actually wasn't feeling well and that we were going to leave. She then asked if we had any business cards. Nope, all out of those too. Sorry lady. 

From there, we headed back over to the PH. Because neither one of us was feeling 100%, I decided to use my one free massage (got it with the membership, and boy are they geniuses for giving you that). This was only the fourth massage I'd ever had in my life. My first was a horribly awkward man massage when I was 21 and living in Italy. The second one was a sports massage that my dad treated me to post CIM Marathon back in 2006. The third was another awkward Ayurvedic man massage about a month ago (notice a pattern here?), and after that one, I swore I'd never get another. But when I found out that Asian women do the massages at the PH, I signed up with no hesitation. I chose the Swedish massage, which I had obviously heard of before, but had never had, and let me tell you something, it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. It was an amazing experience, and I came to three realizations that day. I never knew that I enjoyed having my ass, the bottoms of my feet, and my head massaged so much. When it was over, I heard myself proclaiming that I'd be getting one every week from now on, but after seeing that they actually cost about $50, I quickly changed my mind. 

From there, I headed out to the pool to do some lounging. That was of course very nice, and Holly and I enjoyed some poolside dining. I hung out there for a while, and when it came time, I went in for some steam room/jacuzzi/rainfall shower action and then got ready for the big dinner. As I went to change back into my clothes (yeah, the same ones I wore for my fake wedding tour), I realized that I had completely ignored the fact that I was going to a dinner at the Park Hyatt. Shamefully, I came out of the locker room wearing my street clothes (at least I had a collared shirt) only to see Holly and our other friend Susannah (the one I said I was engaged to on my FB pic) all dressed up. It was too late to go home, so I had to go looking like a giant ass. Everyone was so nice about it, saying, "You look fine. Don't worry about it," but really, I felt super self-conscious about it the whole time. What a jerk. Anyway, I could go on and on about all of the amazing food (I will say that it featured chefs making Thai, Italian, French, and Indian specialties), but I'm already seeing that this blog is longer than I want it to be and I'm getting tired of typing, Plus, I put up all of the pictures on FB already, so you've probably already seen them…

I want to begin wrapping this up by going back to talk about the PH and a realization I made this weekend. So on Sunday (after sleeping in until 11:00), I got up and told myself, "Ben, go be adventurous. Go somewhere new instead of going right back to the PH. You came to India to explore, but these days, the only thing you explore is the bottom of the infinity pool and various items off of the menu at the restaurant." So, I decided to head on out and go for a big walking tour. And you know what? As I walked, I realized something…Chennai sucks. Seriously, the vast majority of this city is just an absolute dump. During my entire two hours of walking, I didm't see ANYTHING interesting or beautiful. Just crappy shops, freaking goats and cows eating trash, big, filthy buses blasting their air horns, one trillion mopeds and motorcycles and their symphony of beeps, and of course, lots of Indians. I was glad to get out and about, but I realized that I would've been much happier going to the PH. 

So that brings me to a troubling realization. I came to explore, to immerse myself in the culture, and you know what? I just don't see it happening. Aside from wanting to occasionally take pictures with me, none of the people I see around me really want to have anything to do with me. Walking around this town is a nightmare. It's hot, absolutely filthy, and just generally unpleasant. And that's a shame. I started to feel guilty about that, but those feelings were pretty short-lived because once I got to the hotel, I knew I was right where I belonged…poolside. 

Park Hyatt, I love you. 

Evolution- Part 1

The other day on FB, I talked about how I felt like my teaching style was evolving. It's crazy, but it's also true.

For the past 13 years, I've basically taught the same way. When I came into teaching, the district was embracing a style called, "Explicit Direct Instruction," or EDI for short. Using this style, teachers basically power taught lessons, then guided kids through some practice, and finally, had them work on independent practice. At that point, we could either wander the room a bit, or, if we felt we had done a particularly amazing job of teaching, we could go back to our desks, put our feet up, and go on Facebook. Not that I ever did that...I just heard some people did.

After practicing this "style" of teaching for so long, and after teaching basically the same content (often using the same exact same lessons), I found myself in a rut. "Teaching" was to the point where it felt dull, uninspired, and frankly, very lowbrow. I felt as if (and usually this WAS the case) I was the one with the information and that it was simply the kids' jobs to listen, "learn," and show what they had remembered. Many times, by staying on top of the kids, demanding their attention, and threatening them into paying attention, you got the false sense that kids were actually learning. Occasionally, you'd have the times where half the class would get an A on their math tests and you'd feel like you were a pretty awesome teacher for that simple fact. Nevermind you always had 7-8 kids getting F's, or another group of 3-4 getting D's. With those, you could simply blame their parents or the fact that for years, they hadn't paid attention in class and that their not learning was their own fault. It never truly felt quite right, but it was fairly easy to justify away and allow yourself to sleep at night knowing that their not learning was really their fault and none of your own. 

Then you'd have the teachers who'd approach this problem differently. They'd see the same lack of learning in their classrooms and use another strategy, which is to absolutely DRILL their kids (ALL of them) with COUNTLESS stacks of worksheets, assessments, and more worksheets. These teachers would often be obsessed with state test scores (something I became increasingly disgusted by), and because they were so worried about how the kids would do, they'd make them completely miserable. They fooled themselves (and maybe even some of the kids) into thinking that they really were learning. These kids may have been able to hold on to that information long enough that they could perform the next day, week, or maybe even month, but in the end, most of the information would be lost. Why? Because there was just no meaning to the lesson. 

Now, I'm not saying that any of these styles are inherently bad (after all, I wasn't exactly on the cutting edge myself), but what would typically happen is that the "bright kids" would excel, their parents would be happy, and because these were the parents whose opinions really mattered, you'd be labeled an effective teacher. You could elevate yourself to "great teacher" status by also having fun with the kids and great relationships with them and their families. Although I look back and realize all of my shortcomings as a teacher, I will always feel good about the positive change I was able to instill in many of my kids who were coming from less-than-ideal home situations. I don't think I was doing a bad job, in fact, I think I did a pretty good job all things considered. During my time at TCK, we completely transformed the place, and that's something I'll always be proud of. However, after six weeks here at AISC, I'm realizing how much I've grown, and how much more I'll continue to grow by staying on this trajectory. 

I've mentioned that the way we teach reading and writing is through a workshop model created by Columbia Teacher's College. For me, these programs were a HUGE unknown. I came here thinking that I'd be the expert on my "Thinking Maps," which have proven to be so effective in the past. And while I still believe in their efficacy, I've realized there are other ways that could be even more effective. The "learning curve" on these new programs was steep. So steep that often, it felt insurmountable. In education, we often talk about the "affective filter," which is our brain's way of reacting to either positive or negative stimuli. In other words, when we're stressed or upset, we can't think and learn. When we're happy and comfortable, learning happens naturally. Because my affective filter was so high, it was very difficult for my brain to accept this new information. But here was the problem: there wasn't a choice. We HAD to learn this program because we'd HAVE to use it on a daily basis. So now you've got a situation where you're being forced to learn a new program that is vitally important, but not enough time to process the information. Then, you're in a classroom where the expectation is to use the program, but not really knowing how because you still don't get it. Add to that that you've got some of your own ideas about how to teach it, but you have a co-teacher in your classroom who doesn't know your style, and since they're your co-teacher, you can't use it. Instead, you get to fumble through this new way of teaching, often confused, often feeling like an idiot, and standing in front of kids who are not really buying into the whole program because it's fairly obvious that their teacher doesn't know what they're doing and clearly isn't passionate about it. And that's a really important aspect of teaching. 

But now, six weeks into school, I can safely say I am starting to get it. Because I've spent so much time trying to learn about this program (thinking about it constantly, asking TONS of questions, and even getting a one-week professional development from an expert from TCC), I am finally maneuvering through the all of the confusion and instead am at a place where I'm feeling better about it every day. I feel less self-doubt, have started to kind of make it my own, am getting along quite well with my co-teacher, and have much more "buy in" from my kids. This workshop model is completely different in every way to what I'm used to, but on that note, it has completely challenged me on so many levels. I can't say that this experience has been fun, but like the quote that drove me to win the Paleo Challenge back in October of last year, "I didn't say it was going to be easy, I said it was going to be worth it." It most certainly hasn't been easy, but learning a whole new way of teaching has been an amazing process. Not to mention the fact that this is a program that's been created by one of the most prestigious teaching colleges in the entire USA. This is something that people pay tens of thousands of dollars to learn, and it's cost to me has been only a few stress zits and perhaps a few more grey hairs.

It doesn't stop there (literally the learning or the blog entry). There's more. While slugging my way through this new language curriculum, I was at the same time dropping the ball on math instruction. With the advent of the new "Common Core Curriculum," which is just finally starting to take off in the USA (and is also completely new to me), math has a somewhat new way of being taught and additionally, there are new ways for kids to show their thinking. This was only further complicated by the fact that the school DOES have a curriculum "Everyday Math," but it's incomplete at best, doesn't align with common core, and even more problematic, the school has basically told us not to use it. Basically, without a curriculum in place, we were left to create it ourselves. So now you've got one veteran teacher using the curriculum that we were told not to use, another one who uses kind of a piecemeal approach (but still teaching one concept a day), two new teachers using online resources, and one teacher who has ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT TO DO. What made it worse for me was being surrounded by different people who had different ideas about how to teach, and then on top of that, basically being the most indecisive person in the world. As a result, I began to focus completely on my reading/writing and basically neglecting my math because I couldn't commit to anything. I was utterly lost, and then I took a trip down to Auroville...

To be continued

Raining On My Parade

My new strategy from today on is that rather than committing myself to epics, I'll instead focus on some smaller stories. It's really the same as we ask our kids to do in class. The first unit we teach is personal narratives, and the beginning of that is always picking a "small moment" and then adding detail to that as to not overwhelm the reader. That's not to say that I'll always keep it concise, but I think by going into it knowing that I'm not requiring myself to sit at the keyboard for an hour, maybe I'l be able to post more often. We'll see how that goes...

So today's Friday, and everyone loves a good Friday (especially when the school is hosting a 2.5 hour cocktail party at The Westin after school). However, in keeping with the yin and the yang, we had to start our day off with a pretty intense parent meeting. In the meeting there were two principals, two counselors, two teachers, one translator, two angry parents and two very confused and probably very nervous children. The student is mine, and we weren't meeting for anything bad per se, but rather because they want to move their 9.5 year old (with very little English) up to sixth grade. The problem (for them) was that absolutely nobody at the table agreed with them. He's a very bright kid, but we just have too many concerns about his developmental growth. It was definitely a tense situation, but in the end, the decision was made to keep him with me. Going into the meeting, I had a plan. Yesterday was a really fun day for the kids, and as such, there were lots of smiles. I snapped a few great pics of the class yesterday and came to the meeting prepared with my (hopeful) "ace in the holes..." two pics of their son surrounded by his peers with a huge smile on his face. As the meeting concluded and the parents were probably at their most upset, I pulled out the pictures and told them that despite the fact we had differences of opinion, I wanted them to look at these pictures of their son lying on the floor with his friends and tell me that he wasn't happy and wasn't learning. I went on to say that I took issue with them calling his placement in my class "a punishment." I explained that this is my 14th year teaching, and that I was recruited by this, an amazing school. I told the dad that I didn't think his saying that was personal, but that it was offensive. I consider his son to be very lucky to be at this school, in my class and that even though there was nothing more we could say that would ease his frustration, I would always look out for his son's best interest and take good care of him. It was the first time in the meeting where dad had nothing to say.

I walked out feeling good about my "closing." I got a vigorous handshake from my boss and some "good work/good jobs" from others and was feeling quite victorious. When I left the office with my Indian co-teacher, I was pointing out how great it was that that was the one time where dad had nothing to say. Consider it giving myself a little pat on the back. When I was done being proud of myself, she turned and said to me, "I think he was only quiet because he didn't understand a word you said" (I beg to differ).

Day 50 & The Honeymoon's Over!

OK, OK. I know I've been slacking lately. I know it. But, I think that shows how consumed I've been by school lately, and that, clearly makes the whole thing not my fault. I mean, it's not like I've been lazing away at the Park Hyatt in the steamroom or watching episodes of Breaking Bad at night trying to ignore all of you guys. I've just been really busy, alright?!

Truly, sorry for the delay. I actually was waist-deep in writing this MASSIVE entry the other day, but as I was nearing completion, I had some second thoughts. Some of it was getting a little too personal, with some issues with kids (really more their families) and some co-worker drama. I still remember my last blog from Colombia, the one where I got pretty detailed about some of the staff drama. The whole time, I vented on it and talked about people thinking they'd never find it, but in the end, after I left, they did and I felt really badly about it. So, I thought better of getting too personal and deleted the whole thing. In the end, it's not like anything I was saying was particularly bad, but it just didn't feel right, so I let it go (although I think it definitely would have made for some juicy reading given my gift of exaggeration!).

I will quickly address the fact that the "honeymoon" period is definitely over. I don't mean my own personal "honeymoon period" (I don't believe I actually go through those stages of culture shock, seriously, because even my worst days here are still better than the conditions in which I had to work last year), but rather, the relationships with the kids and co-workers. This is normal, however. It happens every year. In fact, I remember last year posting that my class was such a joy to teach and how happy I was that I went down to fourth, and within another month or so, I was dreaming of an early retirement. That wasn't because of the kids per se (well, a few of them made things much worse), but also because after that first month had passed, many had begun to shed their acts and began testing me in every way imaginable. Don't get the wrong idea though, my kids aren't doing that to me, nor do I believe they ever will. This class is genuinely and truly kind, happy and mostly hard working (quite a few of the kids aren't super motivated because they know their stay here is only temporary, and in the case of the Korean kids, they have "Korean School" until nearly 10:00 every night). I've had to have a few "motivational speeches" (one of my favorite things to do!) with the class, but the result has definitely been harder work from them. But getting back to my point, there have been a few relatively minor issues with a couple of kids, but more so, with their parents. These are parents who often have relatively high-ranking positions and aren't used to not having things their way. In fact, I can say that I had one parent semi confront me the other day, and when I shared it with my principal, he replied that he was sorry I had to deal with that "uncomfortable situation." I laughed and responded that after 13 years in public schools, this particular conversation didn't even register on the "discomfort scale."

The co-worker drama (see how I'm toning this all down?) was simply us moving past the same stage where everyone gets along and into the new stage where people's little idiosyncrasies start to kind of wear on you. More specifically, we are often so overwhelmed with new information coming in, that we can't process what we're hearing and it frustrates us. We all have an overwhelming desire to serve our kids the best we can and to feel good about the work we're doing, but when we know we aren't hitting that mark, it makes us feel bad/inadequate. Throw another meeting or two into that equation and people (mostly me) can get quite snippy. Anyway, I was a little upset at some things that were said last week and it took everything in me not to lash out. What I chose to do instead was just kind of shut down, and when I do that, I know that I throw off some pretty "loud" non-verbals. When the meeting was over, I was asked what was going on, so I shared how I felt and it was decided that we'd talk about it the following week. So we had our grade level meeting on Monday, issues were "put on the table, " uncomfortable conversations were had, and now things are much better. I shared that as a guy working with seven women, it could be frustrating at times. I feel outnumbered in some respects, but that's often the case when you work in a predominantly female field (well, at least at the elementary level). I also mentioned that I feel like my ability to talk about my feelings is fairly evolved, but that after I do, I can hear the old "suck it up" expression from coaches past. In the end, however, it was a good chat and we were able to address some issues before they got any worse. And that's always good.

So there you have it. Day 50 and the honeymoon is officially over, yet I'm as happy as I've ever been. In my next blog, I'll talk more about this "evolution" I speak of as it relates to my newfound teaching style...

FIve Weeks & QOL

In five hours, I will be able to say that I've now been living in India for five whole weeks! Crazy. It's funny...some teachers here make the comment, "Man, time has really flown by!" SOME teachers. Not me. For me, THIS week has been flying by, but overall, not so much. In fact, sometimes it feels like I've been here for months, and I can only speculate that that's because so much happens on a daily basis. Seriously, I feel like on any given day so much happens here that it ends up feeling like a couple of days' worth of events.

School itself is a whirlwind. Never in my life have I been so preoccupied with school. I definitely feel like a week and a half ago was my low point (in terms of my stress level). I let it get to the point that I was completely consumed by trying to learn all of these programs, and not only that, I was being way too hard on myself for not catching on quickly enough. But in a way, I sometimes honestly feel like a brand new teacher. Sure, I can get through a day on a wing and a prayer, but to actually feel good about my teaching, to actually feel like my kids are getting the best I've got, that's been a long time. The fact is, I got way too comfortable teaching at TCK. While part of my desire was to move just to "get out of Dodge(bullets)," part of it was the fact that I had just become way too complacent. I knew I wanted a challenge, but man, careful what you wish for. This place has challenged me to the nth (is that how you'd spell it??) degree. Not so much the living in India, and not so much the social dynamic of meeting and interacting with new colleagues, it truly is the self-inflicted anxiety and stress of wanting to do so well and to do that so quickly that has been the most painful at times.  But now, five weeks into my stay and three weeks into school, I'm getting to the point where I'm beginning to feel a little more comfortable, and when I take the time to reflect on all that I've learned, I'm feeling a little more at ease, and sometimes, just sometimes, I even feel really good about the way things are going.

I'm getting better with our new reading and writing programs. I'm not 100% sold on their effectiveness, but I feel OK with my own implementation of them. Each day gets better and better with regard to that. Math has gotten better too. I've found some great resources online to help supplement what I'm teaching, and a lot of those are games. My class goes crazy for games (hell, I think any class goes crazy for anything that even resembles a "game). Games are truly the holy grail in a classroom full of kids. In social studies, I've bucked the system (which a couple of people aren't super pleased about) by having my class work on a biomes project. It wasn't really part of the standards, but I went ahead with it anyway because frankly, I needed something for them to do and also because I knew I could bring technology into it and capitalize on the excitement of doing a multimedia presentation. And so far, the kids are REALLY into it. And finally, the bane of my existence...science. Today, I did my first science experiment with the class. At points, I seriously thought about kicking down my classroom door and throwing myself over the balcony, but I kept it together long enough to get through the lesson AND not hurt anyone. It was particularly frustrating because A)It was my first experiment B)It was like 15 steps long and C)Kids don't listen so much when you're constantly stopping to ask questions, particularly when they have science equipment in their hands. It was a difficult process, but like anything, will hopefully only get easier in time.

Now, what's QOL? Any guesses. Well, here's a hint. Last week, I bought a car. A big car. It actually looks more like something you'd take out on safari in Africa. Or the streets of India, which in a lot of ways are very similar in terms of their level of danger. Next, I'm moving to a new apartment next Wednesday. It's bigger, in a better neighborhood, AND it has an awesome beach view. And finally, as you've probably already read, I joined the Park Hyatt, where I can escape on any given day to hit the most luxurious spa I've ever seen. It's got a small, but very nice gym, a kick-ass locker room, complete with stocked lockers (disposable undergarments, plush robe and towel, and slippers), a jacuzzi and cold dip pool, sauna, steam room (which smells like eucalyptus), a rooftop infinity pool, and not to mention, an AWESOME, SWANKY bar and restaurant. And they serve old fashioneds. And they serve Sapphire martinis.

QOL, my friends, is quality of life. I have a QOL that I've never before enjoyed...a (future) cool apartment, a (future) tank of a car, a (future) driver, a maid, great kids, supportive and knowledgeable colleagues, a gym/spa membership, good money, and the infinite potential that awaits me in terms of travel opportunites. You can see what I mean. I'm loving life in India despite the occasional bouts of violent levels of stress, which I hope are mostly behind me. And for those days where the stress level kicks itself up, it's off to the Hyatt I go!

Later, y'all. Time for some ultimate frisbee.

Ben

Making Noise

No, I'm not talking about the birds outside of my windows, and no, I'm not talking about the crazy Indian man who roams the streets around me yelling every Saturday and Sunday morning. I'm talking about me. Making noise.

School has been stressing me out. Big time. It's been a difficult transition to go from a situation where you almost feel completely scripted, all the way to an environment where although there are some standards, you basically are left to figure it all out on your own. When I got here, one of the things I was really excited about was the fact that we had 90 minutes per day of prep. I thought to myself, "Man, we're going to have SO much free time on our hands! I'll never have to stay late or come in on weekends!" WRONG. Pretty much every day since I've gotten here, I've stayed in my classroom for two hours every day after school, and every weekend, I've come to the school on one of the days to try and plan. The problem is, there is SO much to learn, and in the end, so little time to do it (because we constantly have meetings during our prep, each one of which makes me feel even more stressed by the time it's over). I've grown to dread going to meetings for the simple fact that it never feels like we actually accomplish anything. During our time, we're basically unloaded on with a bevy of new "to do's" and more "expectations" from the school. I think I reached my low point this weekend, where in an act of desperation, I actually called our school's director of Curriculum & Instruction to voice my concerns over two things: curriculum overload/lack of training and poorly functioning grade-level team meetings. Making noise.

The conversation went well, although I will say that it was tough to articulately state how I was feeling. There was such a range of emotions, all the way from desperation to frustration. I kind of just had a stream of consciousness, sharing that I felt like "the writing was on the wall" in terms of our grade level not working well together and/or getting anything accomplished. I felt that we were off to a rough start, and that if something wasn't done quickly to get us back on track, things would end up going awry. I also discussed how completely overwhelming it's been for new teachers to be expected to figure out all of the complexities of our new program and attend meeting after meeting, all while trying to work with kids and adjust to our new lives. Although I certainly appreciated our "soft landing" in terms of the actual physical transition, it was a rude awakening to go from that to one of the more stressful emotional transitions I've ever experienced. After our talk, I felt better. I did end up going to school, but I basically just sat there and scratched my head. Have you ever been in a situation where there's just so much to do that you don't even know where to start? And because you don't know where to start, you don't do anything? Sure you have. That was me on Sunday. So, I bailed after a couple of hours and did what any stressed out person would do. I went to the mall and got a haircut (that's what stressed out people do, right?).

The next day (Monday), school started off so-so. Megha and I had a fairly decent lesson planned, and the kids were less lethargic than they were last Monday (which was brutal). The morning kind of crawled by, and then at around noon, we had our grade-level meeting. In those meetings, there are about eight of us, one of which is kind of like a trainer/liaison named Andrea. She's probably in her mid-40's, from New Zealand, and has been on the international circuit for quite some time. Last week, I actually made a snide little comment about how instead of having "meetings about meetings," maybe we should have been having meetings that were actually useful. I asserted that meetings talking about how to conduct yourself in meetings were probably useless, because after all, who in the hell can't be professional in a meeting?! Well, I guess that was the wrong thing to say. I decided to shut up after that. So anyway, we were at this meeting, and the first 45 minutes were spent listening to our cool-ass librarian, who's totally on our side. He talked about everything he could do to support us, and that was awesome. Next came the superintendent's wife, who is really great and teaches first grade. She presented how her team had spent considerable time last year working together to develop a math curriculum. When they were done presenting, our team leader, Becky, quickly changed the subject and started saying how we should all break up and start talking about SS and Science. Well, at that point, I was beginning to feel my frustration level rising, and before long, I had to make some noise. The noise went something like this: "OK, sorry, but I can't move on. I feel like someone's got to say something here. Every meeting we have, all we do is talk surface-level about everything under the sun, but we never actually make any progress. Honestly, I'm tired of coming to meetings where I leave feeling more frazzled than when I got there. At some point, we need to start having meaningful discussions that actually move us forward. We spend five minutes here, and five minutes there, but never really get anything done. I mean, think about it from our perspective. There are three of us new teachers, and two of you who have been here for 17 years. I know you guys tell us to just 'do what we can,' but when you're both sitting here telling us about all the things you're doing in your class, and we don't know anything about them, how are we NOT supposed to compare ourselves and feel badly that we're not doing for our kids what you are for yours? Instead of focusing on three subjects and doing a mediocre job at each of them, why aren't we focusing on ONE and doing a thorough job on it? Wouldn't our time be better spent working together on Math, rather than having new teachers try to develop curriculum that they don't even understand?" When I was done with my little tirade (it wasn't an angry tirade, but definitely impassioned), there were lots of stunned looks. For a second, nobody said anything, and then after that, we had a fairly intense conversation that ultimately ended in us deciding to focus on math for our entire next meeting. In the end, I don't know how people felt about my assertiveness, but I can say that Andrea came to my classroom about 30 seconds after I walked in and told me she agreed with me and that I had a good point. Nobody else really said anything, so I can't be sure how they all felt, but at least I felt a little better.

Now let's fast-forward to yesterday morning, because I wasn't done with my noise-making. My co-teacher, Megha (who I'm starting to actually really get along well with) and I were doing a little writing lesson on being more descriptive with the kids' narratives. They had out their laptops, I had mine hooked up to the Smart Board, kids were working, we were laughing, and in walks Kevin (the elementary principal). It was his first time in the classroom, so the timing was excellent. We happened to be talking about adjectives that described me, and Jae Hoon (the one who wrote me the letter) mentioned that I was "kind of fat" (not an accurate assessment, but we went with it because the kids thought it was funny). Anyway, it was up on the screen because we were looking for synonyms (and explaining that words like "obese" or "massive" wouldn't be appropriate because I'm not those things), and when Kevin walked in, it was right in the middle of this discussion. The kids were all having a blast, and even Kevin was pretty amused. He hung out for a few minutes, snapped some pictures, and I think Megha and I both shared a moment of relief. It's not that he's a menacing figure (quite the contrary), but still, it's your principal, and you want him to be impressed. Later that day, he wrote me a nice email saying he liked what he saw and that it was clear I had a great rapport with the kids and had succeeded in creating a positive and fun atmosphere. Then, he asked me if I had any questions for him...

Wrong question, because yes, I always have questions. Lots of them. Basically, I told him all about how I felt in a very carefully-crafted email and went on to ask if we could have a half-day for the entire team so we could get some planning done. Then, after I sent it, I talked to my friend Laura (who's spent the last six days in the hospital fighting off dengue). I read her the letter and she said it was brilliant, but that I should also send it to Anne, the VP, who's really my evaluator. So then, I panicked a little bit, because now, I had sent an email to Kevin AND I had had a conversation with a director, but had never reached out to her. I sat back down and wrote her a fairly lengthy email explaining how I was feeling and justifying why I hadn't included her or reached out to her earlier. I know, what a neurotic mess. After that, I had the whole, "Should I have sent that?" feeling in my gut, but luckily, after two back-to-back episodes of "Breaking Bad," I fell asleep and didn't worry about it.

This morning, when I was walking down the hall towards my classroom, I turned around the corner just in time to see Kevin and Andrea having a conversation, no doubt about me and my emails. They both got quiet really quickly, but kept the conversation going without any specifics. Nice try, but I'm on to you guys! I said my hellos and walked past, and after I returned from getting my coffee, Andrea came into my room and offered to spend some time meeting with me today to talk about Science, which was really a nice gesture. Within an hour, both Kevin and Anne had written me, telling me that they appreciated my honesty and would do whatever they needed to do to help me out. In fact, Anne and I are having a "working lunch" tomorrow, and on Thursday, another woman (who coordinates some curriculum herself) and I are meeting for an hour after school. I'm blown away at their outpouring of support, and am certainly very appreciative at the way they've received my SOS signals. Truly, this school is amazing.

Today ended up being a great day, and it couldn't have come at a better time. I like to think that professionally, I hit my low point and that there's only one way to go from here. I'm looking forward to my meetings these next couple of days, where hopefully I'll be able to get even more clarification and support and that real soon, I'll get the hang of things. Being in survival mode is no fun...and I'd forgotten how that feels. It's a good reminder of why a lot of the "experienced" teachers I've known for the past decade or so have been so reluctant when change comes their way. It's stressful!!

Tomorrow, I'm supposed to go look at my potential new car (mini tank). Stay tuned...

Ben